Don't Judge
by tweetygirl93
Summary: Just a quick one shot about the inner demons that Remus deals with. Does involve self-harm so may trigger.


_**This is story that I wrote a while ago for English class and I decided to alter it to fit with Remus and his battles. It freaked out my English teacher, but I turned it in at the end of the year so he never asked me about it. **_

_**It is set in modern times not back in the 70's, also Remus is half-blood. His mum is a muggle. Just to clarify. It is set during the summer between first and second year before the boys confronted Remus about his 'furry little problem'. So enjoy :) **_

You may think I am crazy,

You may think I need help.

But don't judge me,

For under your scrutiny

I would break.

Just listen to my story

And try to understand.

**Don't Judge**

My iPod had run out of battery on my way home, which left me to my thoughts. I could feel the emotions I had been suppressing slowly creep like poison ivy, killing any happiness I had left in me. I just, could not control my damned thoughts! My parents always wondered why I constantly listened to my music. Well the truth is, is that it was the only thing I could find that acted as a barrier to shield me from my mind. But, when the music stopped, it was as if I had let a monster out of its cage ready for the kill. Destroying anything good I had in me. I had been baiting this monster for over for over twenty minutes now and it was winning, easily. "So," I decided "just give up and let it take control." And I did, but that just made matters worse. Now it had full control. I felt any emotion I had slowly bleed out of me. I began to have this feeling of numbness begin to take over. "Could it even be called a feeling if there was nothing to feel?" I wondered.

I finally reached the drive way of my house, looming over me like a dark cloud. I quickly shut my eyes hoping that my mother was there; so I wouldn't have to resort to what I knew I had to do. I slowly opened my eyes, letting out a breath that I didn't even know I was holding in. "No." I whispered as the last of my resolve shattered. She wasn't there, I had no choice. I opened the door letting myself into the emptiness. I continued to my desk and set my bag down and turned to the phone. I pressed the button on the answering machine so that I could hear the message. All I the fog that was my mind was, "home" and "one hour" I had plenty of time.

I walked up the stairs to my room letting my feet fall heavily on the steps. It reminded me of a drum sending me away to my self-made prison. When I entered my room I saw the reflection of my face in the mirror. I paused for a moment not recognizing the dead, emotionless hazel gold eyes staring back at me. I got on my bed and reached for the little white box that I knew I would find in my bedside table draw. I contained my only form of freedom rolled up in a little wad of tissue paper. I pulled out my razor blade.

The wolf smiled back at me ruthlessly, thinking it had me in its grasp. It started to taunt me, show me things that I knew would never happen, and whisper words in my ear that I knew were false. But in my current state of mind, everything was true.

A vision of my friends talking about me behind my back popped into my head. How they had been avoiding me, or running off together without me. I made the first cut. "You know you're not good enough for them. You are nothing but monster. They only keep you around for your brain." As the cut began to bleed I felt a pinpricks size of relief.

I made the second cut. Another vision of my friends laughing at me when my back is turned. "They only fin you a good source of entertainment." The wolf sneered.

I made the third, fourth and fifth cut. I could feel the blood slowly trickle down the side of my wrist. "They will never accept you. You're nothing but a dark disgusting creature that should be chained up." A tear drizzled down my cheek as I cut further up both arms.

"What is they found out? How could they ever speak to you again? What would they think of you?" I made deeper cuts leaving a river blood in their wake. My greatest fear had been spoken. "Would my friends ever accept me if they found out?" I thought. I was a freak. I should be locked up in Azkaban for being let into Hogwarts. "Would they just kick me to the curb and leave me to the dementors?" I wondered.

I continued to slice and hack at my arms until there was no room left. No one would notice the scars compared to the hundreds I already had from the full moons. I was done. The wolf was satisfied with the bloodshed. I could finally think and feel freely. I cleaned off my blade and wrapped it back up hiding it in the box. I gently walked to the loo to clean up the excess blood from my arms, trying not to drip blood on the floor.

After I cleaned up in the loo, I wrapped my arms up in bandages we use for the full. I pulled my long sleeve shirt back on to hide the bandages. They would be disguised by the injuries from the full in the next few days; adding to the patchwork that is my skin. I finally looked at myself in the mirror. I was afraid that I would see the same dead eyes; but now they were filled with a melancholy sanity that I hoped would last longer this time.

I walked back down the stairs to get a cup of tea and the wolf barely whispered "You may have won this time, but this is far from over."


End file.
